I spent the majority of my days trying to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t think I smiled for months; if I did it was just so I didn’t make other people feel uncomfortable but I was hiding so much of what I was feeling on the inside. I talked to my close friends daily and I was beginning to feel like such a downer because this is all that I could talk and think about. I spent many days crying in my car trying to talk myself into going to see my customers. How could I possibly be a peppy sales person when my world felt like it was crashing down around me?
It is difficult to go back to this dark time in my life to even write this post; but I do think it is important to reflect on. Not that I owe it to anyone to explain how I was feeling and why I may have been absent in the lives of those I love, but I do love to see how far I have come. In a lot of ways I went through all of the stages of grief, minus denial, without the actual act of losing someone. What I did lose though is what everyone envisions or dreams of what having a young child is like. The sharing of milestones, playing at the park, building block towers, playing sports with them etc. Those activities were filled with the stress of not knowing if he would crawl, walk or talk, running to therapy and Dr. appointments and wondering how exactly this washed up dream would now unfold.
I had a lot of pity parties for myself. I couldn’t stand to get on social media and see friends kids walk for the first time, say mama (would I ever even hear that word?), score goals, finish first, graduate with honors. It was all a big slap in the face to me at the time. Not only could I not stand to see it but how sad is it, that at the time, I couldn’t even bring myself to minimally celebrate along with them? I wanted it all to go away.
You know what though? I did get through the days. I don’t remember much from those 3 looooooooong months between appointments, but I am still here to talk about it. It sure does show that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. I feel silly saying that because while this has been no walk in the park, Camden has been a huge blessing. I tell my family that Camden was placed into our family because anyone that knows me knows that I am a planner and well…Camden’s journey cannot be planned and has been extremely unpredictable. Just when the Dr.’s feel like they are onto something, Camden has other plans.
Until next time –
3C’s and a K